therapeutic thump

i like your moxie, sassafras!


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birthday ficlet (Supernatural, "Yellow") for esorlehcar!
the arch of the eyebrows gives it away
innie_darling
A tiny little ficlet based on a prompt monkiedude gave me many moons ago, finished for esorlehcar, whose thoughtful and painstaking recs list makes me deliriously happy and who deserves a fantastic birthday. Happy birthday, baby!



"Yellow"

Daddy thinks he's making sense. He's not, but Sammy knows if he said so, Daddy would get all red in the face and use words like "logic" and "respect" and he might even get a spanking and the monster will still be in his closet.

At least Dean knows. “Dad,” Dean says slowly, like he wants to make sure he doesn’t get a spanking, but Daddy hardly ever spanks him, just shakes his head and gives him the silent treatment. “Wouldn’t Sammy be safer with us? I mean, waiting in the car?” Sammy smiles but Dean doesn't look over at him.

“Dean, get your gear,” is all Daddy says, like he can't hear Dean even though Dean is right there. Even if he can't hear, he can read lips, right?

“Dad,” Dean tries again, his eyes on the gun he's assembling, “he’s only nine.” Dean's been waiting weeks to hold that gun, so Sammy's surprised he's able to talk while he touches it.

Daddy’s face lights up like Dean's just walked into a trap during training. “When you were nine, Dean, you could handle yourself. Let’s give Sammy a chance to prove he can too.”

Yeah. It's all a big favor Daddy's doing him. Right. And the thing in his closet only wants to bring him lollipops.

He looks desperately at Dean, but Dean’s face is all tight and funny and he knows his brother won’t make another sound. At the door, Dean puts out his hand for a fist-bump but he pretends not to see it and closes the door behind them.

He locks the door and goes straight to Dean’s dresser. He pulls out the huge bag of peanut M&M’s Dean had hidden – gross – under his socks and rips it open, shoving handfuls of candy down his throat.

The bag is half empty when it hits him that Dean could die out there. He’s big and strong and brave, but werewolves are bigger and stronger and have claws and fangs and four legs so they’re really fast. Dean could die and Dad would bring his body home and they’d bury him and move far away and it would just be him and Dad forever.

All he’d have left of Dean is a bag of his favorite candy. He begins to eat again, slowly this time, swallowing hard as each piece of candy tries to get stuck in his throat. He’s sick to his stomach when he finishes but he presses the bag flat, carefully smoothing it down. This is what he can carry around of Dean’s to remember him by. He tucks it under Dean’s pillow and falls asleep with one hand still on the yellow plastic.

(Deleted comment)
I love this fandom, in which we politely thank people who break our hearts (when really, it's the BOYS who break our hearts)! Thanks for reading!

*wibbles*

Oh, man, I need to give those poor darling boys ten million hugs RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW, right? Just cuddle them and keep them safe for each other!

(Still processing your latest, by the way. More later.)

Oh yes. Lovely lovely broken little boys. This is gorgeous, and your teeny!Sammy voice is awesome.

Yeah. It's all a big favor Daddy's doing him. Right. And the thing in his closet only wants to bring him lollipops.

*hugs them*

I am especially fond of teeny!Sammy, so thanks so much! I didn't mean to write quite this much angst, but that's the way the Winchesters roll, I guess.

Awwwwww this was so good. Poor Sammy and poor Dean.

Oh, thank you! My poor boys!

Oh, god. My poor beautiful broken boys. *loves them*

*and you* ♥♥♥♥♥♥

Oh, these BOYS!

Glad you liked, hon, and hope your birthday was all you wished for.

Oh man. The poor darlings! I really love the way you've captured a nine year old's mind here - there's a subtle immaturity to how he perceives things, it's absolutely perfect. Like the "he can read lips, right?" comment - it's just so right, for him to take Dad not being able to hear Dean literally. Gorgeous, hurty little piece.

Oh, thank you so much! Sammy just doesn't get how his Daddy can do this to him, and how much it's killing Dean to be torn in two like this. Awwwww.

I don't think a bag of M&M ever made me cry before. I can see how Sam gets to the point of leaving to college from here. *sighs long*

Oh, and I'm wondering if you can post this to sn_flashback. It's a weechester comm! Take a peek!

Oh, thanks very much!

This fic is so tiny I wasn't really planning to post it anywhere else. If you think it's worthwhile to post at flashback, though, let me know and I'll do so.

I'm just gonna be in the corner until I manage to fix myself. Because you completely broke me with this. I was fine until the end, but then the image of Sammy with the empty bag of m&ms just shattered me.

Oh, sorry! The care Sammy takes with the bag is what really gets me, I have to say.

Aw. This was lovely.

Dean's been waiting weeks to hold that gun, so Sammy's surprised he's able to talk while he touches it. Ha, I bet he has!

And the thing in his closet only wants to bring him lollipops. Hee, even young Sam is snarky Sam.

This is what he can carry around of Dean’s to remember him by. And how messed up are our poor boys? *Hugs them both*


Ta, baby! These boys are so very, very messed up, poor things.

AWWW! This is so poignant. Poor Sammy!

Dean could die and Dad would bring his body home and they’d bury him and move far away and it would just be him and Dad forever.

Oh, man. That's just... wow. Fantastic. As always. Love this little fic!

Oh, you have such a soft heart! These poor little babies!

pssssst - http://monkiedude.livejournal.com/48177.html. You know you want to.

psssst pssssssst - when's your birthday?

SIGH. This kills me, as you know. Oh, DEAN. The fist-bump. AIEIEIEIEI!

♥!

From now on whenever I see a bag of peanut M&Ms, I will get a lump in my throat and a bit teary and it's all your fault.

Lovely. Wonderful Sam POV, all of them very very THEM.

I have a feeling I'll be breaking down at the supermarket sometime soon.

And thanks!

So I am TOTALLY behind here liek woah, but DAMN. Okay, how'd you manage to get me totally verklempt in the blink of an eye? Short, incisive, not a single word wasted -- and moments like this:

Daddy’s face lights up like Dean's just walked into a trap during training.

*swallows* Yeah. I have no trouble imagining the look on John's face here. It...does not surprise me at all, unfortunately.

This is what he can carry around of Dean’s to remember him by. He tucks it under Dean’s pillow and falls asleep with one hand still on the yellow plastic.

Oh Sammy. I want to take your hand and cuddle you.

I just want to smack John here - bringing up Dean at 9 when Dean thinks/knows John hasn't forgiven him for disobeying orders - and playing off Sammy's fear of the monster in his closet. Unconditional obedience.

Let's all snuggle with Sammy!

*wibbles*

I uh... I'm going to go hug something now.

*is broken into a million pieces*

Sorry! Sam would lend you some superglue, but he used it all up in "Hell House."

>>This is what he can carry around of Dean’s to remember him by.

KUNJU, ZOMG ;_;

::hugs boys::
::hugs you::

*hugs back*

Yeah, I'm sure it makes sense in nine-year-old/Sammy logic.

That was fab, great work! :)

Oh! *sniffles madly* This is hearbreaking, and yet gorgeous. In so few words, you say so much about each of the relationships here, and it ain't a particularly pretty story, much of the time.

I loved this so much, and am now going to go away and think of little Sammy and the care he's taking of his yellow plastic bag. :(

Oh, but I did just cheer myself up by wondering about Dean's reaction when he comes back to find Sammy's eaten all his M&Ms!

Thank you for this.

it ain't a particularly pretty story, much of the time. And yet, it's all they have. Waaaah.

little Sammy and the care he's taking of his yellow plastic bag. totally my favorite part too. How lame am I that every one of my OWN stories has made me choke up in at least one place? So I'm already vulnerable and then I just fall and break at the masses of gorgeous fic this fandom produces EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Oh, but I did just cheer myself up by wondering about Dean's reaction when he comes back to find Sammy's eaten all his M&Ms! Write it!

Thanks!

Dean could die and Dad would bring his body home and they’d bury him and move far away and it would just be him and Dad forever.

Oh...so hurt-ey. And just how a little kid would think. *sniffles*

Love that Dean tried to stick up for Sam, even though Dean is really concentrated on the gun and making his kill. the fist-bump bit just seals the deal, it's perfect.

Thank you so much!

Yeah, I adore the fist-bump.

(How did I miss this on my flist? I'm sorry this is so late!)

This is such a wonderful fic. I adored how you took Sam from feeling disgusted at the M&M's, to cherishing the empty package, with guilt as the bridge between those extremes. That feels like such a Sam gamut of emotion. And how the M&M's clogged up in his throat. I'm not sure if that's where my heart broke completely, or if it was after Dean was reminded of what happened when he was 9. His stoic mix of keeping the shame hidden and still trying to encourage Sam with the fist-bump (and being ignored...!) killed me.

This family is so screwed up. I love what you do with them, and I really continue to fall deeper in love with your Dean, with every fic I read. Beautiful job, Kunju! *hugs*

No such thing as a late review!

Sammy is just an emotional whirlwind at this age, isn't he?

Bad John! Bringing up the failure of teeny!Dean!

And Dean. Tell me what someone could possibly not love about Dean.

Yeah. It's all a big favor Daddy's doing him. Right. And the thing in his closet only wants to bring him lollipops.

LMAO; sarcastic!wee!Sam is cute.

All he’d have left of Dean is a bag of his favorite candy. He begins to eat again, slowly this time, swallowing hard as each piece of candy tries to get stuck in his throat. He’s sick to his stomach when he finishes but he presses the bag flat, carefully smoothing it down. This is what he can carry around of Dean’s to remember him by. He tucks it under Dean’s pillow and falls asleep with one hand still on the yellow plastic.

Aww, that tugged at my heartstrings.

Beautiful.

I like the idea of Sammy always having a smart mouth - it makes him feel real to me.

Again, thanks for your feedback!

Me again, I recced this one too, here at spn_themes. Thanks!

Oh, how sweet and pulls with the lightest touch at the heart-strings.

*am all wibbly*

god dammit, you made me cry.

...not that this is necessarily a BAD thing.... this is a heartbreaking ficlet but very nicely done. very sweet and very sad and very, uh, well, it's winchesters, of course it's heartbreaking....

Aw, sorry about that! It's not really me, though; it's the boys who make us ALL cry.

Oh yeah, that's exactly how it went. Dean wanting to prove himself to John, but caring so so much about his little brother, his responsibility. And Sammy worrying reciprocally, and John just not getting it.

Very good character observations. Also - I like the way you break my heart.

Thank you so much! The boys have that bond that John can't touch, and sometimes, can't even see.

And that icon is lovely!

What a beautiful way to breathe life into wee!Sammy. A lot of people forget that young children can be a cauldron of mass insecurities and irrational fears that they find difficulties to sort in their mind. And the last bit with the candy illustrates how they cope with said fears; it may not make sense to an adult, but it made sense to him and that is all that matters.

May not be making sense at 4.45 a.m. but I think you understand what I mean.

I do understand what you mean - that way we have when we're kids of listening to that one insistent voice and following it through its own weird logic. I'm so glad you found that in this little ficlet. Thank you so much!

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